fieldnotes

it's the 🎕 diary!

• I actually really like reading other people's blogs on neocities and keeping up to date. I think I'm half writing these disjointed little things with the assumption that no one is reading, but if you are, feel free to develop a parasocial relationship with me. Just passing it on yknow?
• This usually updates monthly realistically, but also whenever I want.

12.25.25 🎕 you are here

• A couple things. As you may have noticed, fieldnotes is revamped. For that matter, so are few other pages on this site. Before, every page had the same layout, but a different color pallette. I wasn't digging it, so I pivoted to having all pages generally have the same pallette, just with different layouts. I like it a lot more! There's still a lot more I want to do around here, but it's certainly the first time I feel like 'wow! I could show this to other people wholeheartedly!'
• I also removed my 2024 and 2023 entries. I've debated it a while. I reread them. Those entries felt like...a whole lot of nothingness? Or more accurately, I didn't like the me that wrote them. I wrote them in a more passive, delusional condition. The entirety of my undergraduate years were just...biding time to make it to the next chapter of my life while simultaenously holding my breath because I didn't actually like what was coming. Those entries just feel reminiscent of a ghost town. I wasn't much of a person when I wrote those things, because I wasn't really doing much living back then. I don't need to keep such things around. I felt a bit put off seeing the last little thread of faith I had in religion. I am better having cast that all off.
• Choosing atheism has to seem like such a sudden decision from an outsider perspective. I myself found it jarring to see how quickly I accepted it once I really, really allowed myself to think about it with no restrictions. It was like. A couple days, tops. I haven't felt close to religion in a long, long time though. In the back of my head, I always knew I didn't and don't fit into this mold of life. I dread my future within it. I find discovery & diversity & freedom & equality & compassion for others to be beautiful and these are things that abrahamic religions simply does not have. I don't believe in heirarchies or that some people are superior to others. It's evident that many of the people in my life... apparently do. Not obviously or maybe even consciously, but they do.
• Any time I have been drawn to the customs of Islam, it's been out of nostalgia or sheer desperation for any sort of comfort or stability because I was fucking depressed and anxious. I'm not saying it didn't make me feel better. It did, but that's also why I'm acutely aware of how religions are designed to target the vulnerable. It helps with endurance, but not actually with the root of my problems (which again! are because of religion!). I needed faith in myself, not god.
• I think I needed to get to a point where I realized that I am just ahead of this point-of-no-return. I'm the most free I've ever been and arguably will be in my life. And I'm still so, so sad all the time because I don't like where I'm going. If I feel this much pain now, how much pain will I be in down the road? If I have this much regret and shame over what I've done/not done/who I am now, what about later? Can I actually live the rest of my life like that? At some point, I have to recognize my situation for what it is and I have to recognize that I have agency. Something has to give. And half-measures like lavender marriages and not performing as a muslim in private doesn't seem to be cutting it. I am just so tired.
• So, accordingly. I've been putting a lot of stock in the idea of cutting my family off. It has morphed from an "if" to a "when". It's scary. There's a lot of grief there. I feel like I'm actively grieving it all right now. I don't particularly love my parents. There's much to resent them for. But it's heavy to know that I'd be ruining their lives if I were to cut them off. Their fault for feeling so entitled to me, true, but it's still heavy. It's just natural not to want to hurt anyone in my measely life. But I came back for thanksgiving break and I'm back home for winter break and my feelings have not changed. It's scary, it's terrifying, it might backfire, but it might be the only choice for me. I'm so thankful for my friends who have accepted this about me and encouraged me to go forth with my feelings. It felt really nice to go out without my hair and to do weed and drink. I want to slowly build myself up. There's lots to look forward to.
• Naturally, because I've mentally made this decision, I've opened the door to new trains of thought that I found no need to think about as much before. Let's say I eventually do use dating apps. Beyond the anxieties of being inherently deficient/unattractive/weird, what do I id as?? I...know I'm aroace probably, but if that means little to no attraction then I'd put myself on the "little attraction" part of the spectrum. I've never had feelings for someone, but I want to be close to someone like that. I think I never developed those feelings because no one ever saw me that way seriously before either. I know I like women, but how do I confirm that I don't like men? I would never want to date one to find out. Romantically, I just have no interest. I don't want to try. But that's only one part of the equation isn't it? There's also physical attraction, but if I haven't experienced much of it, if at all, how am I supposed to knowwwwwww. I think I'm just...really wary of id-ing as a lesbian because I don't want to be one of those people who stop labeling as that and go on to like men and make things even harder for lesbians who want nothing to do with men. "Lesbian" is a word I want to respect. And then, beyond all this. Would someone even want to date me if I'm ace? Would anyone want to date me when I have no experience? I could easily come across as someone who just wants to experiment with women as a phase. What depressed me was also the reality that I might not get the chance to date until I graduate in 2029...I don't want to date before then (I could only do short term since I don't know where I'm moving and that would be unfair for someone who wants long term, but I would like such a red flag). After I graduate, who knows how busy I'll be in residency. What if it's still not fair for me to ask for a relationship? It's...hard not to feel like it's too late for me.
• I know this is just a lot of my fears talking though. This life is worth pursuing even if I don't end up dating anyone. It's never too late. There's a lot of vulnerability in becoming and being yourself, but what worth is there in the alternative--living as some fake self? I...will be able to find good people to surround myself with. In the meantime, I can work towards being the person I want to be and learn more about the world.
• To sum it up, 2025 was a year, indeed. I definetely found it a little hard to focus during in school towards the end there, but I'm really proud of myself for the grades I was able to get. I handled what came my way, even if it really scared me. I'll find a way to deal with what life throws at me next. I wanted to change and I am, in fact, changing.

11.8.25 🎕 fighting the war on athiesm on the side of atheism

• Everything is WEIRD!!!!!
• The week after block four: saw the stars, was invited over to some friends' places, went to our school's powderpuff game, went on a day trip to stl. It was nice I think. Felt a bit human. And by that I mean, I felt normal. I socialized and was like, ah yes, this is what the masses are doing and what I should be doing and since I am doing what I should be doing I feel normal and relieved. After all, none of these things seem to come easily for me even at my big age of 22 years old.
• And then...I don't know what happened, but I guess I had the freedom to think about some things (thanks to the moving out bit and the fact that the immediate stress of adjusting to med school is over). I thought about what I feel in the present moment. I thought about the future. Religious cognitive dissonances have always been something I rain checked. School stress is awful, but it's more immediate and the benefit it consuming me for the past however many years is that it keeps me from obsessing over other stressors. Nothing about religion makes sense...and I knew that for a long time. The bioessentialism, misogyny, concept of modesty and more...I don't really believe in any of that. I'm tired of feeling worn down and hurt by all of that and I'm tired of seeing people I like be hurt by that. I'm tired of people not being critical of any of that. I was mostly already all the way here, exacerbated by events earlier in the year that shall not be named.
• I keep thinking about my own chronic lack-of-feeling-like-a-human-ness. I could have been so much more in the past five or so years had I been less suffocated in this sphere of religiousness. Like sure, religion was something I turned to at the time when my anxieties grew unbearable and it did help. But if I think about it for more than two seconds, religion has been the source of so many anxieties and depressive moments for me, has it not...Have I not always felt other-ed because I don't fit the normal, expected image of Good Muslim Woman whether it's cause I don't want to be a wife/mother in the way I'm expected to or cause I don't like men all that much or etc. etc. It still feels stupid to stay out loud though. Like ohhh woe is me I felt like I didn't fit in with other people half of which might not even be cause of religion cause it also had to be my own lack of skill and personality woahh im so sad and alonee.
• But yeah. I think I was scared for like two days. Cause that fear of hell is ingrained in you. But I was also afraid of the idea that there is nothing after this life. This life is all you got. But I got over that even too.
• And then I started searching for lavender marriages on reddit again in earnest.
• And then it got even crazier because I started entertaining the idea of cutting off my family when I'm financially independent and ouhhghhgh [imagine blender gunshot thunder car crash noises here]. That would bring you to where I am now. It's terrifying how liberating that sounds. It's terrifying how achievable that sounds. It's terrifying because I also can imagine everyway in which I wouldn't be able to pull it off.

10.26.25 🎕 bacillus cereus

• I feel like. I am not the same person as I was even a month ago and that's fucking with my head real bad.


• Fall break was an opportunity to see friends even if it felt like that went down a bit haphazardly. Saw Howl's Moving Castle (I would like to read the book as well). Went to a corn maze (it was so muddy and I kept slipping and holding on to dear others for life, but it was fun). Went to ulta (there was a sale and I wanted an eyebrow pencil).
• Fall break was also a great opportunity to feel stressed because that's just what being at home with family is like. I also had a CODO/OMM midterm the day I got back so I had to study for that and I didn't even know where to begin. The flight I booked going back was also at risk of being delayed. Good news prevails though! My flight was not delayed and that midterm went fine.
• Honestly, that first week of the block was really nice. I let loose and it was fun. I worked on an about page for this site and I shared some of my writing to a friend who also likes aftg and she liked it...I was always kind of insecure about it so it was nice...Maybe I'm normal.
• And yeah. After that, the block got into full swing. I really felt like a med student for the first time. And I'm once again thankful that there are people willing to hang out with me. As for how the block went...well if you tally up all the academic Ws and Ls, I'd say it ended up going pretty alright! Why be greedy for anything else. I'm not trying to be a top student here.
• I didn't realize how tired I was, because the week following the exam I perhaps...relaxed too much. In my defense though, there was some emotional turmoil. (← left unwritten about because here is where I stopped writing for 10/26)

9.24.25 🎕 i'm real a boy now

• It has been far too long since I last wrote. Since last time...I would have gotten through upper and lower limb, going home for labor day weekend, my first SP encounter, a microbio case presentation etc. etc. I guess that's to say that I'm properly in school now. I mean. I am on fall break (1/2 way through the semester). I'm sure...doing it. It's something I can only take day by day, though.
• I got into a tizzy where I started to feel a bit insane about how I'm not necessarily surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded by and how I wished I was around more gay people and muslim people who aren't conservative and homophobic and I know they exist, but they are just not the majority and I also don't even know if a lavender marriage is possible for me.
• I guess besides the above though..I should count my blessings. I have people who are willing to talk to me and study with me and give me rides if I really need it.
• I watched Law in the City! It was so lovely and comforting to watch...a lot of the subplots were genuinely better than expected. Also got on Love Bullet (merch from the pop up shop has been acquired).
• Going home is tough. I think it's hard to appreciate how much better living alone is until you come back home and realize how exhausting it is. It's not like I'm being micromanaged (well,,er,,maybe not for every aspect of my life at least), but it's just like man. Can't lay down, can't sit too long, can't stay in my room too much, comments about every part of my body, questions about why I'm so antisocial or or or. I'm just tired. There's no difference in my parents from when they call vs. when they are in front of me here. I wonder if having another sibling would have made things marginally easier (less attention on me, another person to talk to), but it's probably better the way it is right now. I don't even mean to sound edgy but it's strange hearing people talk about their families in a positive light or how they only spend time with their family.
• Lowkey really worried about my CODO/OMM exam on Monday. Also worried that my flight will be delayed and idk.

8.2.25 🎕 fake summer

• It's august now!!!! what the heck!!! I know summer goes well into august and if we want to be technical then it goes through september too, but like. wow. There's a certain reality to it all when it stops being capital S summer yknow? The past few weeks haven't been a phase or a trial...it's just my life
• Every week I work on eating well/taking my vitamins etc. it's neither here nor there. I could have been better about eating on time + actually eating veggies. I need to start putting stuff into the air fryer well before my actual mealtime
• I cosplayed being a good student earlier in the week. It's been a long time since I studied with other people. I didn't do it much in undergrad because I was neurotic about wasting time and all that bs. It was nice now, though. I also got to know some people better!
• No idea what clubs I should join...
• finished watching the hot spot! it was a pretty relaxing watch. watching the 2 husbands 1 wife jdrama rn

7.27.25 🎕 calls back home

• calls from my parents are 5 minutes of the same things they always repeat
• calls from friends I haven't talked to in a while are about the newfound struggles and new gay ships we all like
• calls during dinner are about anything and everything, but a lot of times about what I see on twitter
• it would be really funny if my friend got into aftg. I totally forgot I made her read it once before? lol?
• I cooked this week!
• I was also sort of bad about eating on time this week, but uhh I'll try to be better next week
• omm isn't as dreadful as I thought it'd be. touch is literally just like...touch. there doesn't have to be a lot of fanfare with it
• feels good getting into the groove of school
• I have been in SUCH a jdrama mood. I picked up the hot spot again
• the summer hikaru died is soooo peak btw. god. I love unsettling summer stories. I love the sharp, panicky feelings yoshiki experiences is portrayed. the uncanny valley and the cognitive dissonance. idk why I didn't read it before but I have to say that I adore the anime presentation sm that I'm glad I watched it first
• still pondering how much I wished I went to a different undergrad. I wish I had more gay friends. maybe then I'd stop feeling so out of place sometimes. trying to remind myself that I still have a lot of life left to live. a lot can change...

7.20.25 🎕 cadavers

• my first quiz and dissection went well! our lab table finished on time! I wasn't deadweight!
• it turns out skinning and removing the fat can be quite relaxing
• the second years are SO nice. one of the girls I was talking to was sooo cute and pretty
• the people making lots of noise upstairs are a couple studying dentistry
• soobin txt is always saying or doing something. go eat that watermelon boy
• RLLY need to get on the summer hikaru died, but I'm still debating if the manga or anime is the way to go
• thunderstorms here are scary and not fun and not at all like the ones back home
• orv update: kdj must you hurt your companions so?? yoo joongyuk I care you man. fuck that other guy
• I have never valued texting my friends more in my life
• I went to the gym today. no idea if I'm getting stronger but take that gym shyness
• yeah idk if my mint plant is getting enough sun. it's been cloudy lately

• I ended up throwing out that mint plant cause it got moldy. I'm sorry mint plant. Gansey vibes: failed.

7.17.25 🎕 spells

Another day, another random rotting spell. What else is new. Four days of med school down out of...a lot. Not sure where I stand compared to the rest of my class. It's so hard to picture being competent at the end of this. Didn't really do much studying yesterday, but I'm really hoping I can work up the strength to in an hour or so.

Other notes:

• med school lecture presentations are not nicer looking just because it's med school
• maybe I'll make some three cheese tortellini pasta because I'm craving like...newly cooked food lol
• also think I'm gonna give up going to lectures in person. I lasted four days!
• yoohankim is so important. yjh was eating lemon candy this chapter...you know who also likes candy!!! hsy!!
• one of the anatomy fellows gives me major aaron minyard vibes SORRRYYY
• maryhead - R. missing is so good
• I miss HACKS. new season when,,,please,,please I need it now
• can't really say I'm feeling homesick, but like. god. undergrad. take me back

7.13.25 🎕 end of an era

I've only written twice this year. I debated just starting afresh with fieldnotes, but....eh. I still have to think about it I guess. Anyways, I don't have many positive feelings about a "new chapter of life". It's a phrase you hear in graduation speeches or pep talks or instagram captions...probably. idk I don't use instagram. I don't like nuclear families. I dislike the linear pathway of life being primary education-higher education-job-marriage-start your own family. I'd rather life be framed a bit more openly, with more paths to take and ways to be.

Regardless, I am at a pretty distinct before-and-after of my life. Starting med school things... I wish I followed a neater, satisfying narrative, but that's just not really what happened. I wonder if I should have done undergrad in the bigger state school or if I should have taken a gap year. I wonder if this is even the right career path or if I doomed myself to a decade long contract of pain. I wonder if I listened to my parents too much and if I gave too much of myself away and if it's too late. These aren't thoughts you're supposed to have at the beginning of a chapter. It certainly doesn't seem like my peers are having these thoughts.

Several people have told me that I'm going to be a different person in two years. To that I say...we'll see! I sure hope so, but also. I don't want to become a worse person. When I think about myself four years ago, I'd say I overall probably meandered and got a bit worse and decent amount more mature. The main hopes I have: I want to be less scared and more confident on account of the fact that I'm literally facing the fears I've harbored for 5-6 years now aaand I still want to keep doing all the things I enjoyed doing before.

4.14.25 🎕 catching up

January - A genuinely chill time. I watched a lot of movies, crocheted a bit, got really into learning to type without looking at my keyboard, read more manga etc. I needed this.

February - My semester started so it was a lot of getting into the routine of things...bit off kilter at first, but it was fine. Most notably, tgr came out towards the end of the month so so much of my mind was just aftg thinking and posting. Oh and my uncle visited. Oh and I started properly cooking and going to the gym this month which I feel a little proud of!

March - Ramadan started like the last 2 days of February and pretty much was this entire month. Honestly...I feel really bad for not committing myself to it properly. The schedule of of waking up for suhoor -> sleeping maybe -> class -> napping maybe -> like two hours of spare time -> iftar -> the speediest hour of my life -> taraweeh -> sleeping maybe is a lot. Time went by really fast. I wish I tried to approach it with more seriousness and better intentions...I always get scared that like,,turning to religion is easy when I'm stressed or scared, but when things are okay it's easy to forget about it and I become afraid of divine retribution. or something. Spring break timing was honestly convenient because it fell neatly on the last ten nights. My mom forced me into staying for a bunch of lectures and it resulted in all the usual weird religion feelings about misogyny and homosexuality and spirituality and so on and so forth. It's alienating and very strange.

April - I don't have much to say about April even if half the month has almost passed.

1.4.25 🎕 woah new year

I get caught up in things and forget to write in here once again. As new years descended upon me, I really thought I should take the time and actually think about the events of the past year, but I didn't really want to. Not because not a lot happened. A lot did happen. My prospects for the next couple of years has been decided, dealing with the reality of my parents' health, being around extended family in ways that I can never quite get used to, quitting (a lot) and moving on anyways, etc. I don't really want to look towards the past. Let's just live forward, but not even deliberately. I always like the idea of new years resolutions, but every once in a couple of years I seem to tire of it. Let's just live spontaneously and simply. Focus on having good days before good years and whatnot. Try not to be overwhelmed.

My favorite albums of 2024 are TAP by Taeyong, Dall by ARTMS, I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy and Submarine by The Marias.