UNLUCKY MANSION

11.8.25

• Everything is WEIRD!!!!!
• The week after block four: saw the stars, was invited over to some friends' places, went to our school's powderpuff game, went on a day trip to stl. It was nice I think. Felt a bit human. And by that I mean, I felt normal. I socialized and was like, ah yes, this is what the masses are doing and what I should be doing and since I am doing what I should be doing I feel normal and relieved. After all, none of these things seem to come easily for me even at my big age of 22 years old.
• And then...I don't know what happened, but I guess I had the freedom to think about some things (thanks to the moving out bit and the fact that the immediate stress of adjusting to med school is over). I thought about what I feel in the present moment. I thought about the future. Religious cognitive dissonances have always been something I rain checked. School stress is awful, but it's more immediate and the benefit it consuming me for the past however many years is that it keeps me from obsessing over other stressors. Nothing about religion makes sense...and I knew that for a long time. The bioessentialism, misogyny, concept of modesty and more...I don't really believe in any of that. I'm tired of feeling worn down and hurt by all of that and I'm tired of seeing people I like be hurt by that. I'm tired of people not being critical of any of that. I was mostly already all the way here, exacerbated by events earlier in the year that shall not be named.
• I keep thinking about my own chronic lack-of-feeling-like-a-human-ness. I could have been so much more in the past five or so years had I been less suffocated in this sphere of religiousness. Like sure, religion was something I turned to at the time when my anxieties grew unbearable and it did help. But if I think about it for more than two seconds, religion has been the source of so many anxieties and depressive moments for me, has it not...Have I not always felt other-ed because I don't fit the normal, expected of Good Muslim Woman whether it's cause I don't want to be a wife/mother in the way I'm expected to or cause I don't like men all that much or etc. etc. It still feels stupid to stay out loud though. Like ohhh woe is me I felt like I didn't fit in with other people half of which might not even be cause of religion cause it also had to be my own lack of skill and personality woahh im so sad and alonee.
• But yeah. I think I was scared for like two days. Cause that fear of hell is ingrained in you. But I was also afraid of the idea that there is nothing after this life. This life is all you got. But I got over that even too.
• And then I started searching for lavender marriages on reddit again in earnest.
• And then it got even crazier because I started entertaining the idea of cutting off my family when I'm financially independent and ouhhghhgh [imagine blender gunshot thunder car crash noises here]. That would bring you to where I am now. It's terrifying how liberating that sounds. It's terrifying how achievable that sounds. It's terrifying because I also can imagine everyway in which I wouldn't be able to pull it off.

10.26.25

• I feel like. I am not the same person as I was even a month ago and that's fucking with my head real bad.


• Fall break was an opportunity to see friends even if it felt like that went down a bit haphazardly. Saw Howl's Moving Castle (I would like to read the book as well). Went to a corn maze (it was so muddy and I kept slipping and holding on to dear others for life, but it was fun). Went to ulta (there was a sale and I wanted an eyebrow pencil).
• Fall break was also a great opportunity to feel stressed because that's just what being at home with family is like. I also had a CODO/OMM midterm the day I got back so I had to study for that and I didn't even know where to begin. The flight I booked going back was also at risk of being delayed. Good news prevails though! My flight was not delayed and that midterm went fine.
• Honestly, that first week of the block was really nice. I let loose and it was fun. I worked on an about page for this site and I shared some of my writing to a friend who also likes aftg and she liked it...I was always kind of insecure about it so it was nice...Maybe I'm normal.
• And yeah. After that, the block got into full swing. I really felt like a med student for the first time. And I'm once again thankful that there are people willing to hang out with me. As for how the block went...well if you tally up all the academic Ws and Ls, I'd say it ended up going pretty alright! Why be greedy for anything else. I'm not trying to be a top student here.
• I didn't realize how tired I was, because the week following the exam I perhaps...relaxed too much. In my defense though, there was some emotional turmoil. (← left unwritten about because here is where I stopped writing for 10/26)

9.24.25

• It has been far too long since I last wrote. Since last time...I would have gotten through upper and lower limb, going home for labor day weekend, my first SP encounter, a microbio case presentation etc. etc. I guess that's to say that I'm properly in school now. I mean. I am on fall break (1/2 way through the semester). I'm sure...doing it. It's something I can only take day by day, though.
• I got into a tizzy where I started to feel a bit insane about how I'm not necessarily surrounded by the people I want to be surrounded by and how I wished I was around more gay people and muslim people who aren't conservative and homophobic and I know they exist, but they are just not the majority and I also don't even know if a lavender marriage is possible for me.
• I guess besides the above though..I should count my blessings. I have people who are willing to talk to me and study with me and give me rides if I really need it.
• I watched Law in the City! It was so lovely and comforting to watch...a lot of the subplots were genuinely better than expected. Also got on Love Bullet (merch from the pop up shop has been acquired).
• Going home is tough. I think it's hard to appreciate how much better living alone is until you come back home and realize how exhausting it is. It's not like I'm being micromanaged (well,,er,,maybe not for every aspect of my life at least), but it's just like man. Can't lay down, can't sit too long, can't stay in my room too much, comments about every part of my body, questions about why I'm so antisocial or or or. I'm just tired. There's no difference in my parents from when they call vs. when they are in front of me here. I wonder if having another sibling would have made things marginally easier (less attention on me, another person to talk to), but it's probably better the way it is right now. I don't even mean to sound edgy but it's strange hearing people talk about their families in a positive light or how they only spend time with their family.
• Lowkey really worried about my CODO/OMM exam on Monday. Also worried that my flight will be delayed and idk.

8.2.25

• It's august now!!!! what the heck!!! I know summer goes well into august and if we want to be technical then it goes through september too, but like. wow. There's a certain reality to it all when it stops being capital S summer yknow? The past few weeks haven't been a phase or a trial...it's just my life
• Every week I work on eating well/taking my vitamins etc. it's neither here nor there. I could have been better about eating on time + actually eating veggies. I need to start putting stuff into the air fryer well before my actual mealtime
• I cosplayed being a good student earlier in the week. It's been a long time since I studied with other people. I didn't do it much in undergrad because I was neurotic about wasting time and all that bs. It was nice now, though. I also got to know some people better!
• No idea what clubs I should join...
• finished watching the hot spot! it was a pretty relaxing watch. watching the 2 husbands 1 wife jdrama rn

7.27.25

• calls from my parents are 5 minutes of the same things they always repeat
• calls from friends I haven't talked to in a while are about the newfound struggles and new gay ships we all like
• calls during dinner are about anything and everything, but a lot of times about what I see on twitter
• it would be really funny if my friend got into aftg. I totally forgot I made her read it once before? lol?
• I cooked this week!
• I was also sort of bad about eating on time this week, but uhh I'll try to be better next week
• omm isn't as dreadful as I thought it'd be. touch is literally just like...touch. there doesn't have to be a lot of fanfare with it
• feels good getting into the groove of school
• I have been in SUCH a jdrama mood. I picked up the hot spot again
• the summer hikaru died is soooo peak btw. god. I love unsettling summer stories. I love the sharp, panicky feelings yoshiki experiences is portrayed. the uncanny valley and the cognitive dissonance. idk why I didn't read it before but I have to say that I adore the anime presentation sm that I'm glad I watched it first
• still pondering how much I wished I went to a different undergrad. I wish I had more gay friends. maybe then I'd stop feeling so out of place sometimes. trying to remind myself that I still have a lot of life left to live. a lot can change...

7.20.25

• my first quiz and dissection went well! our lab table finished on time! I wasn't deadweight!
• it turns out skinning and removing the fat can be quite relaxing
• the second years are SO nice. one of the girls I was talking to was sooo cute and pretty
• the people making lots of noise upstairs are a couple studying dentistry
• soobin txt is always saying or doing something. go eat that watermelon boy
• RLLY need to get on the summer hikaru died, but I'm still debating if the manga or anime is the way to go
• thunderstorms here are scary and not fun and not at all like the ones back home
• orv update: kdj must you hurt your companions so?? yoo joongyuk I care you man. fuck that other guy
• I have never valued texting my friends more in my life
• I went to the gym today. no idea if I'm getting stronger but take that gym shyness
• yeah idk if my mint plant is getting enough sun. it's been cloudy lately

7.17.25

Another day, another random rotting spell. What else is new. Four days of med school down out of...a lot. Not sure where I stand compared to the rest of my class. It's so hard to picture being competent at the end of this. Didn't really do much studying yesterday, but I'm really hoping I can work up the strength to in an hour or so.

Other notes:

• med school lecture presentations are not nicer looking just because it's med school
• maybe I'll make some three cheese tortellini pasta because I'm craving like...newly cooked food lol
• also think I'm gonna give up going to lectures in person. I lasted four days!
• yoohankim is so important. yjh was eating lemon candy this chapter...you know who also likes candy!!! hsy!!
• one of the anatomy fellows gives me major aaron minyard vibes SORRRYYY
• maryhead - R. missing is so good
• I miss HACKS. new season when,,,please,,please I need it now
• can't really say I'm feeling homesick, but like. god. undergrad. take me back

7.13.25

I've only written twice this year. I debated just starting afresh with fieldnotes, but....eh. I still have to think about it I guess. Anyways, I don't have many positive feelings about a "new chapter of life". It's a phrase you hear in graduation speeches or pep talks or instagram captions...probably. idk I don't use instagram. I don't like nuclear families. I dislike the linear pathway of life being primary education-higher education-job-marriage-start your own family. I'd rather life be framed a bit more openly, with more paths to take and ways to be.

Regardless, I am at a pretty distinct before-and-after of my life. Starting med school things... I wish I followed a neater, satisfying narrative, but that's just not really what happened. I wonder if I should have done undergrad in the bigger state school or if I should have taken a gap year. I wonder if this is even the right career path or if I doomed myself to a decade long contract of pain. I wonder if I listened to my parents too much and if I gave too much of myself away and if it's too late. These aren't thoughts you're supposed to have at the beginning of a chapter. It certainly doesn't seem like my peers are having these thoughts.

Several people have told me that I'm going to be a different person in two years. To that I say...we'll see! I sure hope so, but also. I don't want to become a worse person. When I think about myself four years ago, I'd say I overall probably meandered and got a bit worse and decent amount more mature. The main hopes I have: I want to be less scared and more confident on account of the fact that I'm literally facing the fears I've harbored for 5-6 years now aaand I still want to keep doing all the things I enjoyed doing before.

4.14.25

January - A genuinely chill time. I watched a lot of movies, crocheted a bit, got really into learning to type without looking at my keyboard, read more manga etc. I needed this.

February - My semester started so it was a lot of getting into the routine of things...bit off kilter at first, but it was fine. Most notably, tgr came out towards the end of the month so so much of my mind was just aftg thinking and posting. Oh and my uncle visited. Oh and I started properly cooking and going to the gym this month which I feel a little proud of!

March - Ramadan started like the last 2 days of February and pretty much was this entire month. Honestly...I feel really bad for not committing myself to it properly. The schedule of of waking up for suhoor -> sleeping maybe -> class -> napping maybe -> like two hours of spare time -> iftar -> the speediest hour of my life -> taraweeh -> sleeping maybe is a lot. Time went by really fast. I wish I tried to approach it with more seriousness and better intentions...I always get scared that like,,turning to religion is easy when I'm stressed or scared, but when things are okay it's easy to forget about it and I become afraid of divine retribution. or something. Spring break timing was honestly convenient because it fell neatly on the last ten nights. My mom forced me into staying for a bunch of lectures and it resulted in all the usual weird religion feelings about misogyny and homosexuality and spirituality and so on and so forth. It's alienating and very strange.

April - I don't have much to say about April even if half the month has almost passed.

1.4.25

I get caught up in things and forget to write in here once again. As new years descended upon me, I really thought I should take the time and actually think about the events of the past year, but I didn't really want to. Not because not a lot happened. A lot did happen. My prospects for the next couple of years has been decided, dealing with the reality of my parents' health, being around extended family in ways that I can never quite get used to, quitting (a lot) and moving on anyways, etc. I don't really want to look towards the past. Let's just live forward, but not even deliberately. I always like the idea of new years resolutions, but every once in a couple of years I seem to tire of it. Let's just live spontaneously and simply. Focus on having good days before good years and whatnot. Try not to be overwhelmed.

My favorite albums of 2024 are TAP by Taeyong, Dall by ARTMS, I Got Heaven by Mannequin Pussy and Submarine by The Marias.

9.22.24

I love turning things in late. So, instead of doing my already late work I decided to join my parents + grandmother while they went gift shopping for my cousins since my dad will be visiting them next week. I wasn't exactly sure if I was allowed to stay home. I probably could have if I really asked for it, but I like to say yes once in a while. Both for appearance's sake (I, too, am a part of this family) and because I know if I say yes here, the chances I can say no somewhere else increases. Anyways, I forgot how much it sucks to shop with my parents.

Gift giving is such a taxing thing. It's about formality yes...but it also so quickly becomes like...a strategic decision to make because what you give someone communicates how much you respect them. Such a headache. I used to be more averse to getting gifts to my own friends for that reason, but I'm more normal about it now I think. Gift giving CAN actually be quite fun when you imagine that other person's joy. Also like, I think my favorite type of gift giving is when you get someone something randomly for no occasion at all. You just got them this thing that made you think of them that you think they would enjoy. How sweet. Of course, in the realm of adulthood interactions, that isn't always the case and it wasn't today. I felt like I was trying to preserve my family's honor just making sure they didn't pick out items that reflect badly on us. My opinion mattered here a little bit just cause my cousins are just a little bit younger than I am. Anyways, it was tiring. I gave my honest opinion and no one seemed to listen. I had to text some other high school girl my parents knew just to get them to see that I'm right and oh my god please don't get get my cousin this shirt she will not appreciate us for!!

We went out to eat after. We all had coffee after and it was news to me that everyone found the flavor too strong, but it was perfect for me. Slightly un-sweet coffee is the move!

These days I've kind of been unintentionally putting a mental list of things I want to do because kid me couldn't do them. Whenever I go out with family like this I find myself thinking about it. It's kind of not so serious, but also...I wonder why I was told no for very achievable things. Maybe this is memory bias for all the times I was told yes, but...idk idk.

Other things: I listened to katseye and nmixx's recent albums today,,,they're good.

9.20.24

It is without much fanfare that I share the news that I got into med school. I was already in a program for a guaranteed seat, but the committee had to make it official official. There's no big feelings here. I genuinely do think I got a lot of it out of my system in the past three years. I don't know if it's the right path, but I'm also wise enough to know that my other options wouldn't necessarily have been easier.

This week was tiring. I barely got myself out of bed to get to class. There's this stupid write-up I have to do that I've kind of been procrastinating the entire week. Other things: I visited a new location of a bakery I liked. I've been working on ramble about time loops. I walked around B&N today just to feel something. I've been experimenting with apple music since my brother says the family plan on spotify isn't cost-effective for the amount of people on it so I should just go for a student plan on my own. Honestly...I don't think apple music is for me. Transitioning is such a pain because there's no convenient way to send a bunch of songs/playlists over and so many of the applications that can do so require you to pay (WHY WOULD I PAY A MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION FOR THAT) and a good amount of the songs I listen to are apparently not on apple music. On top of that, I feel like apple music isn't really... reccing me new music based on the playlists I have added on there. Where can I see the last few songs I've listened to etc. So I will probably just be going back to spotify once the family plan ends.

After I finish what's due at midnight tonight...I WANT TO GO OUT! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NEW!

It occurred to me that the entries here aren't really living up to the namesake of 'fieldnotes'. I NEED to be writing about more 'meaningless', random things...now!!

9.14.24

The first week of September was a little difficult and I'm not even sure why myself. I was just sad and snappy and half looking for things to be angry about (one of which was my acne right now which was mother-induced because she thought coconut oil on the face was a good idea...it's very much not and I knew it as she made me do it, but I wasn't expecting the breakouts to be the worst I've ever had). If I had to pick a word here, it'd probably be listlessness. How do I know I'm getting better etc. etc. My mind isn't some tangible thing, but I need to know I'm getting better anyways. I can't afford to be mentally ill next year. But there's no way around the fact that these things take patience.

This week proved to be a bit kinder, starting Monday evening. Two of my uncles came to visit this week and I think I felt a bit of anticipatory guilt for not being able to...spend time with them? be a presence when they came to visit when I know how much they look forward to seeing me? I was social enough though so there was no guilt to be felt. Relationships with relatives (especially when they visit) can be a tricky thing. I feel like I don't have enough to give and then I start to wonder when I became so antisocial. It's so charged too because the relationships they have with my parents are real and substantial and filled with love and some of that love gets extended to me by virtue of being my parents child. But I'm very much just riding off the coattails of my parents' relationships. The care and attention I'm given isn't proportional to how much they realistically know me. It's undeserved and I didn't opt in to this and I don't know what would happen to these relationships when my parents are gone because these connections seem all too flimsy for me. It's like putting weight on thin ice. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for these relationships because I know these are ones that I couldn't cultivate on my own. As of writing this, they're gone now so the house feels a bit too quiet.

My classes were chill enough. On Wednesday, we went out to the city, but we left too late so we weren't even able to really do anything but drive around. Which is fine. A simple drive can be great. I was a bit disappointed since I had a free stretch of time and I wanted to do more...It's kind of sad to not even really know or explore the city you grew up by all your life. Not entirely my fault...driving in the city makes me nervous and I don't earn enough disposable income to do enough things, but it still feels like a waste.

Thursday/Friday brought on college visit because I had an interview. It seemed tedious to me because...am I not already accepted into the program? Did I not do the same round of interviews once before to get in a year before? Regardless, it was required and it meant driving 6 hours there since it's in a different state. There's a lot of things to criticize about my dad, but I have to appreciate that he did drive the whole thing himself even if I offered to step in several times. Anyways, it was a lot of weird feelings on the way there. I can feel one part of my life drawing to a close and I welcome that, but I don't welcome the beginning of a new chapter. I'm inching closer to waters I know will be out of depths. I kept on thinking about visiting my current college campus as a high school senior ~3 years ago. I was underwhelmed at the sight of it and it certainly didn't feel like I'd be spending four years of my life there and yet, I have. I can't imagine moving out. There's some step I missed along the way. My interviews went fine. Like it's a little bullshit because all interviews are, but I didn't bomb it or anything. There's about 13 other people in the program and I only saw them about once or twice on zoom before and I have to say, people are so much more likeable when you see them in person. Maybe I was too judgemental before lmao...moment of silence for the brief mental apology I am sending their way. Some of the other students brought their parents as guests, but I didn't bring my dad because I knew it'd make me want to bang my head on the wall if he said any unnecessary shit. There was this one other student (brown kid, also muslim) whose dad came up to me and was like hey, I think I used to work with your dad before. I told him they can meet after the tours were done today. As for the actual tour...the campus looks pretty depressing, but that's not my business or problem right now. If others can deal with it, so can I. The most jarring part was the walk through the cadaver lab while the first years did their dissection (they were focusing on the foot). The bodies looked more like cgi zombies from shows or video games than humans. It felt very unreal (it's a bit hard to compute what I'm actually seeing) and real (in one year's time, I will literally be doing this oh my goddddd) at the same time.

While I was doing all this, my dad met with a professor there because of a connection through another mutual friend. If this was three years earlier, I'd feel super weird about the nepotism, but I've exhausted all these feelings during my grieving arc (first three years of undergrad). So after the tours were done, my dad + that professor + that other student's parents + that student + me went to the professor's office/lab to drink tea. Pretty unserious. The professor was super extroverted because he mostly just spent time talking to my dad + the other parents. I got a chance to get to know that other kid in my program. He seems chill, like me in some ways and different in some others. Kind of a jumpscare to hear him talk about his fiance because woah people my age are married, but it's cute how she's trying to get into the same school to be together with him. At some point, that professor called a few other students to talk to us. The other kid knew them already so he mainly asked them questions about med school while I sat and listened. They sounded pretty tired and jaded...it all sounded like a lot, being eaten into this system and field in full force. But uh fuck it we ball...not like I can back out now. This went on entirely too long, but I do like how unserious and earnest the professor seemed. He talked about his four daughters and how important it is to him that they can be self-sufficient and he earned a lot of respect from me based on that alone. The drive home was long, but not nearly as grilling as the ride there. Brief shoutout to Lighthousekeeping by Jeanette Winterson for keeping me busy.

Saturday (today) I gladly spent doing nothing. My uncles left. Quiet house. I didn't feel like doing homework so I didn't, but I didn't feel like reading or watching anything either. Oh! A positive thing I almost forgot to write about. I got star's cousin to read all for the game LMAO. Her iv drip livereact is much appreciated. She seems to be enjoying it in all its unseriousness which is what I hoped for.

9.6.24

An entry after forever!!! It has been a doozy of a time. The last day of March was memorable. I was on the beach and it was absolutely FREEZING because I was poorly dressed, but I'm really, really glad I went anyways. The same day I went to the flower conservatory with friends. April 1st was quite the joke for a variety of reasons, but I got two flat tires on my way home. As a month...I'm still not quite sure what to make of April. It might have felt more terrible than it actually was? In the midst of my schoolwork and pollen research for a professor, it's hard to tell. It's basically a lifetime ago to me now. I got into honkai: star rail at that time, which I enjoyed then and still do now. It was a fomo-induced decision, but also a good one since I joined the patch where they were giving out a character I liked for free!

May brought on finals, an anime convention and a bad time. I don't think I've ever tried on finals less. I succumbed to procrastinating everything, because I knew there was no other way I'd actually bring myself to do the work. Truly, truly an exhausting time, but I scraped by with surprisingly decent grades. This year was my second year going to the same anime convention. It was pleasant...I just don't think I was entirely in the mood for it. It wasn't as exciting as the first time I went which made me a bit sad, but such is inevitable when the new-ness is gone. My favorite thing I got...would probably be this little yuru camp chiaki figure! It sits next to my rin figure. Besides that...maybe these p5 royal trio charms! Anyways, my agonies began in full earnest after that. The reason: I was stressed out of my mind trying to figure out how to meet the requirements for the program I'm in. I can tell you now that I have, but I seriously didn't know for most of the summer if I would be able to. So like, imagine a lot of bed-rotting and reevaluating what to do with my life and degree and how to break it to my parents. I had a brief stint working as a CNA and as a tech in a plasma center. It was all a daze and one that I'm not really sure is worth remembering. What DID stand out was my fixation with the All for the Game series that I first read in high school, but chose to reread to take my mind off things. This series carried me to the end of summer/beginning of the semester.

Now ! About two weeks of the semester are over. I'm somewhat tempted to count the weeks down, but I know that does me no good. Still, 14 weeks left. School felt like a welcome pleasure after the summer I had. I wonder if everyone who says life is better as a student than an adult with a job is right...I hope not, but I feel like it might be the case for me. There's something really punishing about having a job you just have to show up for everyday. I used to confuse me when my parents would spend their precious non-working hours socializing when maybe a nap would do them better. Having had a taste of working life though...I get it? A nap wouldn't solve all the exhaustion, but being with friends really removes you away from all of that. It's also about the variation. Maybe this is why I prefer being a student. There's the slight variation in daily schedules, different material we progress forward through, etc. The thought that everything that comes after being a student being worse is nauseating, however. Anyways, I finished most of the core classes I needed to for my major already. My first week was spent adding/dropping classes and figuring out which "for fun" classes I should take. I feel like I didn't go about it the right way though... I wanted to choose classes for how enriching they'd be, but I feel like I just went with what would be the least work. It's not the way I want to lead my life, but man. I'm so fucking tired!!! My goal senior year is to un-exhaust myself so I can pull myself together before wasting away in further higher education, but I don't know where to even start T_T. I haven't found a rhythm yet so everything feels weird...Regardless! I will be Taking It Easy and Making An Effort To be Healthier.

To end on a positive note, this morning Nora confirmed TSC will be a trilogy and the second book will come out around December! I'm super happy about it!

3.30.24

I don't want to do my work even though I know I'll be absolutely screwed if I don't...so I'm here to talk to just to talk. The past week has gone smoothly which I'm thankful for (I had a productive day on wednesday for the first time in a long time. I don't mean it in the sense that like...yes productivity output good. I was honestly working like I was before I was so burnt out and it was welcome. My cell physiology lab on thursday was busy, but fine. I made good use of my time. Relaxed in the library after. Happy I got a good grade on my quiz. I spent the extra day we got off because of good friday chilling and finishing fanservice paradox. aaand that brings us to today.) The last ten nights of Ramadan approaching very quickly which is very alarming because I haven't even locked in yet. Yesterday after taraweeh, there was a bunch of food stalls set up and I enjoyed the air of it. Spontaneity is good sometimes. I would have liked to stay longer, but I felt bad for my brother who was waiting to leave. I got two tacos (the birrio one was so, so yummy) and a hot dog. I haven't been eating or drinking enough lately so I was craving Food. A filling meal. Something I'd be excited to eat instead mindlessly shoving it down.

My brother seemed down on the way home. The stress of school and work and looking for an internship and the state of everything seems to be really tiring him. It seems like everyone is going through a hard time and it's sobering to see. I always find it very strange when my parents get on his back about all these little things when I genuinely think he's the more diligent kid here. I ate my tacos when I got home and that counted as my 'suhoor' as opposed to getting up early to eat again. I lowkey liked it! I'm too tired to eat properly at 5 am.

As for today...I didn't really do too much. I deco-ed my planner a bit since that's been lying in waste for the past three weeks. Slept more. Tutored. Did some more things I don't recall. I don't feel like doing anything at all. I know I said I wanted to talk just to talk, but I don't actually know if that's true. I don't want to talk and I'd actually prefer if no one would talk to me or acknowledge me because I don't want to deal with that right now. Lots of restlessness here.

Birth my ARTMS came out. I enjoyed it! I do agree that the song is a bit lackluster (not neccessarily in a bad way. I still like it as a lowkey, relaxing listen), but the MV is what really shines here. Love when concepts are artistically and visually interesting instead of feeling like a means to end? Loona has always been great for this. Choerry and Haseul's lines are so lovely! I also listened to a lot of p5r's soundtrack again because I craved some easy-on-the ears, loopable music. Ideal and the Real was the main one I looped. Made me miss the game a bit.

3.26.24

I finished my terrible, terrible rough draft of a personal statement yesterday. I reserved a few days just to do that, but in the end I simmered in anguish and anxiety till the day of. It's to be expected considering the mental toll of picking among half-truths to present a "authentic" story is...a really mindfuck. The relief of finishing was so, so nice though. Today, I think I was surprised by how tired I was. It was distinctly not the sleepy kind of tired, but the worn-down kind. I pulled myself through my classes in a half zombie-like state. I only had one class today and it wasn't too bad. Just learned about cell cytoskeleton stuff. I caught up with queen of tears on netflix which I'm reallyyyy enjoying so far, but am 100% bracing for it to get bad. I'm also sick with a cold which sucks. Save me dayquil...

3.22.24

Yesterday: I finally checked up on my little pollen storage experiment that I probably should have checked on earlier. It's not thaat big of a deal. I'll find something to say to my teacher later. I don't really care to think about it too much. There were more cars in the parking lot than expected, but I didn't actually see anyone inside the building.

I also went to the bookstore again, not looking to buy anything, just there to peruse. I'm kind of itching to own volumes 7 and 8 of skip and loafer already, but I can always buy them later too. It's a lot easier to say no to yourself at a store when you're an adult. Obviously, when you're a kid, you're not always privy to how money works and how much of it you have, but I think a part of why it's so hard to accept You Can't Have That Thing is that you don't know if you'll get this chance again. It's easy to say no to myself now because I know the various things I want and I trust that there's something I can want in the future that I'll be able to buy if I say no now. If you're a kid...I mean who knows if your parent will bring you back to this store again.

Anyways, I wanted to pick something to at least read while I was there, but I wasn't particularly in a reading mood. Everything I wanted to read was either wrapped or the beginning of a longer series I didn't want to commit to at the moment. I settled with the first volume of phantom tales of the night. A quick read, but only because I found it very mediocre. It's about a spirit inn where these monster-like beings let humans stay in exchange for a secret they have. These people are already dead, however. They just don't know it themselves. After all, a dead person doesn't really care if their secrets are exposed. I thought it would be people willingly coming to tell their secrets because of their own anguish, but it's more like...the innkeepers running these people through altered simulations of their life to root out what their secret is. Each chapter centers a different person with a secret. I just didn't care for how the innkeepers seemed to judge these people/human nature for how foolish the decisions they make in these simulations or their secrets are. I mean. I guess the point is that the innkeepers aren't human so of course they misunderstand human nature. It just feels a bit stupid to me because the vibe of these simulations is the innkeepers being like...hey let's take this vulnerable person, manipulate them, give them the tools to make poor decisions, learn their secret and talk to them condescendingly the entire time/berate them for not realizing or wanting to admit the truth of their secret. I just don't think this says that much about human nature. Maybe that is a point of criticism the story will explore later on, but I'm not sticking around to find out. I think I would have liked it more if the story's atmosphere was less edgy. A secret doesn't have to be linked to shame or always be a bad thing...Sometimes a secret is something you took to the grave accidentally because you never told anyone/couldn't articulate it in your lifetime. Oh well.

After, I started building this rolife miniature coffee shop set with star. It's been a long time since I've done something like this. I didn't think too much about it going in, but it really a character-developing exercise. A real exercise in patience, not being a perfectionist and simply trusting the process. I bring forth the image of me gluing window pieces together and thinking 'oh... this is like a character weakness of mine isn't it'. I got the basic frame done so it's a lot of the small appliances and furniture and things from here. I look forward to finishing it.

Spring break is ending and I don't want it to. Soooo many little and big responsibilities from here on out.

3.19.24

Yesterday, I went out with friends for the first time in actual eons. Hooray for spring break. It was just the usual run (store to another store to another store to another store but this time to get snacks to friend's house which serves as a kind of HQ).

My car is actually so pitiful...like I know this, but sometimes I become extra aware of it and it amuses me but also rip to this poor vehicle. It's not the car by the way, it's me...(or my driving abilities to be more precise). The license plate on the front is bolted on still, it's just that the frame is kind of...hanging off and I cannot for the life of me figure out when that happened. The right side is still banged up (not new but it's not like it became invisible) and the right side just has a bunch of bird poop. When I was leaving the house there was an abnormally large number of robins in my neighbor's yard which I thought was so cute until I realized they were probably responsible for the poop. This car has served me well even if I haven't served it well LOL. If this is my character gag, I have to say I really am like all the older sister type characters that drive their car recklessly (saeko from haikyuu...I understand you deeply).

I bought some pokemon cards since at this point it's just routine to stop at gamer's world to sift through them. A lot of my picks were ones that reminded me of apollo (AA4)...litten...fletchling...etc. Later, at the kinokuniya I saw that a new volume of play it cool, guys was out (!!) with new chapters that I haven't read in them so that's something to look forward to. I got some snacks at the bakery as a post-iftar investment. Oh and a little phone charm of a cat hanging from an umbrella since it matches my phone right now.

The day passed quickly, but also not too quickly I think. I don't really like greeting aunties in general, but this year it's such a pain to do so after taraweeh...I just say hi, ask how they are, say I'm fine and just...leave before they get the chance to say anything else. I understand the appeal of a person who says hello to everyone...and I admit that it can be nice when people acknowledge my existence, but it's such a chore...Actually it's even weirder when a stranger (muslim) greets me just because I'm also a visibly a muslim. I used to really not care for this because I dislike the attention in general and also [weird religion feelings], but I've warmed up to it. When I was shadowing an anesthesiologist, this one surgical assistant used to take the time to explain things to me even if he absolutely didn't have to on the sole basis of he's muslim and could tell I was one too. Basically, the attention and perks are nice sometimes. But also. I don't like initiating hellos ever. Half the reason I have to say hello to all these aunties is out of fear they'll tell my mom I didn't say hello and I've been through that hassle enough times.

This morning I woke up feeling icky and I haven't been able to shake off the feeling the whole day.

3.16.24

Two weeks are over. Everyone cheer.


I am. so tired. The first of two hard weeks featured lots of deadlines and the second of two hard weeks featured a presentation and three tests/quizzes. More simple pollen experiments. I guess it's fine since it's over with, but man am I exhausted. What's really amazing here is how I'm able to get as far as I can with the bare minimum effort. Anyways, the only other notable things of note are that I have been reading Fanservice Paradox, been adding to my site a bit more and oh yeah Ramadan has started. Which means things get a bit more neurotic around the house, but I also get the feeling everyone's more tired this time around. I got my period though so I obviously haven't been fasting, so it doesn't...really? feel like Ramadan has started?

Last year, I was actually better with the whole good muslim routine because I had shit to ask for that I realllly needed to go my way. It's not like that this year. It's just the same old enduring game with a little less urgency. I feel guilty though, and like. half paranoid that now is really not the time to be forsaking god or anything. This is probably partly why I've been cracking a lot of jokes about going to hell and reading yaoi/yuri in Ramadan lately.


The above is me if I gave a damn. That being said, I don't quite want to waste this month either.

I'll get it together today (the daily declaration). Spring break has started and my to-do list has left me feeling it might not be much of a break. I'm still very much in a school mindset. While I've been adding to the site, it's actually been forever since I pushed an update for real. I'll probably do that soon.

3.4.24

Nothing has changed significantly from the last time I wrote. February was a blur. I want to read/watch something that will emotionally wring me out. I remember like two years ago or so, I was talking with my friend who watched a lot of dramas and I didn't get where she found the time. Well, I get where she found the time now. Stress-watching save me! Save me stress-watching! I'm very much doing the bare minimum these days which doesn't feel good, but it's kinda all I got in me. Where it gets agony-ful is the fact that it feels like I'm personally disappointing some of my teachers. It's stupid and I know I shouldn't care, but :sob: You know how test anxiety is a thing? I have like whatever is the opposite of that. Hands on work that's actually pretty simple anxiety. Does this bode well for my future? No, no it does not. It was so embarrassing when I almost wiped out the cells I had to care for in lab which I still don't know how I managed to do. I guess this, too, is part of my idgaf training.

I've been listening to a lot of Taeyong's TAP which is very nice and comforting to listen to. My brother came back for the weekend which I'd like to say is a good thing, but it also just means about 40-50% more arguments in the house. I've been making an effort to save money these days which,,I think? is going well? I just feel guilty for spending money.

I can't think of much else to say. I have a pretty shitty week ahead of me (maybe the worst of the semester) so if this week could pass without me wanting to die that'd be lovely. I'm glad this year is a leap year. Still weird as hell that it's March though.

2.11.24

I finally got my hair cut today which was great. It was about past my waist and I very much disliked it and I can't I felt any will to properly take care of it. But it's short now! Yay! This weekend was spent watching more jdramas and reading random blogs again. I'm of the opinion that procrastination is never laziness, but I do think there's procrastination that *feels* like laziness and then procrastination where it's all too clear that you're afraid of starting the work. Yes, I'm afraid of starting the work and I would think I'd be over this feeling by now but no...Learning is a pretty normal part of life. It's normal to suck and then practice and then in most cases, you'll get better. So, it doesn't seem like it should be a hard thing to do at my big age of 21, but it is.

Recently, hearing my parents bicker took me back to 2020/2021 when everyone was on lockdown/at home a lot. It seems far away now (I'm at a place where I almost feel nostalgic for it even though that's me finding the past that I know of safer than the future I don't know), but I realized that maybe one reason I'm such an anxious person the past few years is because the average, mundane and persistent stress and annoyance I felt every day back then just like. got absorbed in me and came out another way. Kind of weird to think about, but I think it's a plausible thing. Turns out I am experiencing the results of the little actions (and thoughts. and feelings.) in ways I did not consciously realize. Wonder if there's something I'm experiencing now that will have some unexpected output in the future. Anyways. No. My teacher will not tell me to kill myself tomorrow so I should just hurry up and do my work and stop procrastinating.

A poem I am thinking about it is For a Student Who Used AI to Write a Paper . Not that I'm planning on using AI for the work I have to show my teacher tomorrow. I just find myself thinking about the last few lines.

But what are you trying
to be free of?
The living? The miraculous
task of it?
Love is for the ones who love the work.

2.4.2024

It's actually been so so long since I last stepped foot in here. I didn't exactly forget about it, but I kinda forgot about it? More accurately, there were just other things at the forefront of my mind. Busy times. I feel sad about the idea of this site becoming a loose thread I never tied up though so even if it was forever I'd still come back to it.

Recently, for the first time, I've started properly and regularly using a planner. Typically, I just tended to keep everything I needed to do in my head and make spare to do lists when I feel like checking off something, but these days it's harder to do. It's not like my workload has increased dramatically. It's just that the amount of things I need to keep in my head just keeps growing. It reminds me of when I first started high school and I found the difficulty to not be the work itself, but the mental space necessary to manage it all. Very much seems like adulthood is like "yeah here's another thing to think about now" repeated n times. In middle school, they forced us to use these assignment notebooks that were essentially a planner. Can't say I really used it how I was supposed to, but they hold a lot of memory just from all the doodles and bizarre jokes written by myself and other people. It's pretty strange to see inside jokes that stop making sense/being funny with time. Inside jokes but the insiders include you from a specific point of time and not the you that is here now.

Anyways, I got a hobonichi weeks planner that is navy blue with green seahorses on it. Its practical use has since been proven since it's how I can actually use the stationary that I have and feel like things are a bit more manageable. It's useful as evidence that I Live and Do Things so down the line I don't start thinking that I did nothing with my time or have nothing to show for it. But it's also useful for times like right now where I summarize What's Been Going On.

I really barely had any energy to do finals, but I managed to squeak through. It's actually so surprising that I got good grades, because I legitimately did the bare minimum. For one of my final essays, I started 2 hours before it was due and turned it in without meeting the word count. I was so idgaf pilled during my biochem final that I was the first to leave and my friend who was actually making an effort in the class looked at me incredulously lmao. Anyways, some things lined up the way I wanted to, but some didn't. I got accepted to do research with a teacher I liked. I also didn't receive emails and calls from people I really wanted emails and calls from. Waiting is so fucking hard. I think at some point this month I was trying to schedule a teeth extraction surgery, but there is a specific lady who does that and she was just. never in the office. I called like. at least three different times because I needed it done by a specific time. I later found out she was going through a family death which is fair, it's just unfortunate that I felt crazy about this because I needed one (1) thing going right.

Anyways, I spent the waiting game of December in a very kms mood and I distracted myself by going outside often and spending hours at a time playing persona 5 royal. Which I will talk about in another section of this site I have yet to make. Oh yeah, my birthday was also in December. Everyone on social media who was making jokes about how harrowing one's early twenties are were not being hyperbolic by the way because what the hell...I think when I was a teenager, it was like. Oh, I'm 16 but I still 15. Oh, now I'm 17 but I don't really feel like it. Oh, I'm 18 but- etc. I turned 21 but I actually feel 21. I think it's a testament to how your early twenties are a big amalgamation of a soup and it's like yeah. Let's turn a year older why the hell not. 20 is not that different from 21 is not that different from 22 etc. Guess I finally figured out that the hallmark of adulthood is not feeling like your shit is together, but like the weight of responsibility that comes alongside agency I guess. 2023 was very much about feeling the responsibility...lmao. I was kind of put through the wringer this year and I grew because of it -_- like it was kinda for the best damn. I was/am living life in the trenches. Well, I guess I'm less aimless than I was my first two years of college, but I guess it feels like I'm scrambling now.

January was kind of hard but also last January was worse. so. Crazy to think it's been one whole year since I read jwqs. qiyan baby this one's for you ♥. Thankfully, I was able to complete most of my job shadowing hours for the program that I'm in and I built up the courage to ask for a rec letter. It turns out part of being well-adjusted is quite literally trusting the process which I hate, but like. It's true. Things do tend to be dealt with/work out. My aunt and uncle also came over and we ate out a lot. I may have become a beef liker, shockingly. I tried my best to ignore by natural antisocial tendencies and spend time with them. I was like half successful maybe?

The rest of the month was spent taking this online async intro to religions course (as a winter term course) that was required. Played p5r (this week I will finally get to beat god who wants me). Entered a jdrama arc.

It's only been one week since second semester started...I don't even mind 8 AM classes, but everyday is a bit rough...Nonetheless. It's okay. I'll be slacking off again because uhh burn out things, but it should be alright. I had a meeting with one of the people in my program to make sure I'm on track and it turns out I am in fact on track and I was seriously soooo fuckin relieved. Things are manageable. I'm procrastinating doing my work right now which is why I wrote a whole entry, but its like 7 pm now so I should really. get on that.

11.28.2023

I kind of dislike titling these entries actually..too much thinking than I care to do. Anyways, thanksgiving break was actually quite pleasant and for once in...a hot minute, I came out of it actually feeling rested. I don't really remember what I did..I kind of just stayed at home the entire time, but god if I don't love staying at home. Normally, my parents and their friend group plan (several) get togethers during this break, but I was free of that this year. The child me that was dragged to all of such events used to pray for times like this.

Anyways, the rest of the semester should...be smooth sailing. I'm waiting on a few emails that I REALLY hope go in my favor and am trying to be normal while I wait in the meant. Also! There has been snow the past few days and it's so lovely and pretty and I love winter so much. Mentally, I have clocked out from any and all responsibilities and would like to experience joy and fun. I've been listening to Carly Rae Jepsen's The Loveliest Time and for an album that has such winter vibes, it's so surprising that it was released in spring.

11.19.2023

Recent trends in the past month or so:

• I entered the part of the semester where I rot in bed way too much, I read one good yukeru fic (which reminds me. maybe I should list my fav fics somewhere on here) which prompted me to explore the yukeru fic economy.
• There was this one day that got really randomly cold and I had to de-ice my car and since then I've had to de-ice my car twice (which I am not ready to do regularly. I will simply be late to everything idk).
• I finished watching a playthrough of ace attorney investigations: miles edgeworth and started watching the second game. Callisto Yew my beloved.
• I caught up with my miniature life manual which (which is soooo sweet and is partially filling the hole left by daily jojo).
• I discovered the existence of fem buggy fanart. No I still don't really want to watch one piece, but buggy is very cute and silly to me and his fem fanart got me feeling some type of way. It actually reminds me of how I felt with this one particular artist's fem mahito fanart lol!
• I made pretty decent progress on my site..I think? I mostly just switched to a grid layout because I couldn't resist...my heart yearned for it....it yearned for the columns. I've also been perusing other neocities sites because it's actually quite fun to keep up with random people's blogs. Who is surprised that the slice of life liker likes reading about the ordinary events of strangers' lives.
• For the past two weeks or so, I've had such a bad streak of being late and skipping classes lmao...which. I am always an advocate of skipping class, but it was a bit much even for me.
• It's the end of (the semester) times so I'm like half miserable. It's never cause the work isn't manageable and more like I dislike when I'm half-assing because I have no choice to at that point versus when I consciously choose to half-ass because I know I can afford it. Yes, I have mental problems. I'm trudging my way through these waters though (worked on my paper about melon anatomy and evolutionary history for the better part of the past week). I have moved from the 'thinking about what to do next semester' stage to 'actually signing up and properly planning for things to do next semester' stage and it entirely makes me want to throw up but alas...it's the only way to stop anxiously thinking about it.
• Recent piece of amusement is probably the soobin from txt's flipping his middle toe in a leaked instalive with seunghan from riize 'scandal'. It's silly and exactly what I expect from kpop. All there really is to know is that this is the third time some anonymous person in seunghan's life leaked his private pics/calls allegedly because they used to date seunghan's gf/ex-gf something something basically they want him out of the group. The funny part though is these instalive calls have a total of 3-4 people so seunghan absolutely knows said person. Take this with a grain of salt obviously but that's the gist. It's serious in that celebrities deserve a right to privacy of course but I have to admit this is just. kind of hilarious lmao. I just enjoy celebrity drama and online discourse that's so insane or stupid...actually in the same vein there was some 'scandal' where some random ateez hater posted a pic of two cats and was like this ateez guy and hyunjin from loona are dating because look at their cats together here (hyunjin's cat paldo is very cute and famous..to me), but the funny part was said ateez guy doesn't even have a cat. I mean, chef's kiss really. No notes.

That's all from me really. I hope I am not fucked in the coming weeks and that I don't have any existential crises about what I'm doing with my life!!! yahoo!!

10.22.2023

There is too much strawberry shortcake in the fridge and I am back on my spider solitaire grind properly (since like... 2020). Recent craving is probably sweet drinks in general because I'm indulging a lot more than I normally do. Because of the agonies of course. My cousin came over the other day and idk if I ever really properly spend time with family when they visit like that, but somehow it always seems like someone is visiting when I'm in my most extenuating circumstances.

I've been figuring out general plans for the next semester and am probably more stressed about it than I should be...unfortunately, I think this entire year has been 'if I get to x time period I will be okay, but also I will be substantially worse than now so the passage of time should stop being so cruel to us all'.

10.14.2023

I like when people take pictures of kpop idols who happen to be holding books and then they actually find the book in question and it's even funnier when it's like a gay book. If I were an idol, I'd just have so much fun with that personally. Anyways, it's fall :> Fall always creeps slowly but also not because there's some sense of anticipation I have for it. But at the same time I always have to pay extra attention because it's a season that lasts like..a month before it just gets Cold and it's undeniably winter. I bought an apollo and trucy sticker that was fall themed and I really do hope it ships so I can put it in my phonecase while it's actually fall.

The past few weeks have been relatively calm. I announce my idgaf era every other day but it's real (not fake) (so true) (we are so past alleged) (etc) this semester idc. I will continue to have a calm and easygoing time (threat). Since summer, I've been watching a lot of ace attorney playthroughs and convinced myself that I actually will play persona 3 and 5. Which is to say I will attempt a proper gamer arc. This actually means something, because I'm actually the last person built to be a gamer.

Gacha games can be fun, but it doesn't matter what psychological guilt trips or game design they encode because if I don't want to login everyday I simply won't. Unfortunately, that turns into weeks at a time. I picked up genshin again mainly because I was curious about fontaine. I haven't cleared sumeru though so that's what I've been working on (I couldn't even start it right away because I had to unlock chasm). Glaring observation: I am so bad at gaming it's not even funny. Star started backseat gaming me when I couldn't understand why this rock I was hitting for a quest wasn't breaking. If there is a player cue...I will miss it anyways. My fightng capabilities..abysmal. sobs. This can all be traced back to my childhood where I was not allowed to play any video games meaningfully and I was banished to game playthrough land. I was an iPad kid before everyone called them iPad kids.

A small list of games I would say I have meaningfully played: the basic wii games like wii sports, cooking mama etc, many tycoon mobile games whose in-app purchases radicalized me, various online browser games (duck life, penguin diner, haunt the house etc), monument valley (mobile game), alto's adventure (mobile game), undertale till I gave up and watched a playthough, this one plant splicing mobile game that always started to feel impossible, reigns (mobile game), genshin & arknights

Games I didn't play but was fascinated with nonetheless: tomodachi life, inside, tales of the borderlands, life is strange, and more which I can't think of at the moment.